by Sylvain | May 27, 2014 | Uncategorized
Yes, you read me correctly, I believe you should stop trying to help people.
In this time where we look for more help, and we try to give more to those in needs, it’s important to get clear on what we do to help, and especially why we “help”, and how to do it the right way.
Because whether they’re friends, family, colleagues, or whoever it is you’re trying to help, you “helping” them might actually be doing more harm than good.
Why we help people
We help people because we think we know better, we think we can do it better than them, and ultimately, we help because we believe they need our help.
But it’s only one side of the story, the other is that helping makes us feel better. We might feel needed, we might feel we make a difference in the world, and that makes us feel good.
But if doing an action to help actually make us feel better, then maybe, just maybe, we might be helping more for ourselves than for those we “help”.
Why we should help
Helping is good, it makes us feel better, it makes great adventures possible, it creates a sense of belonging and community.
And if someone asks for and needs your help and you feel like giving it, then definitely help. Help without expectation of reciprocity, help because you want to.
And you’ll both be better for it.
Why we shouldn’t help
Sometimes you will want to do something in place of someone else, because they don’t know how to do it, or because you know how to do it better. And they may even ask you to help.
But doing it in their place will result in two things: stagnation and resentment.
Stagnation because you’re robbing the person the opportunity to learn and get better, and in the meantime you’re not working on something that would challenge you, so you’re not learning either.
Resentment because you might feel like you shouldn’t have to do that, and why can’t they do it properly. And from the other side, at one point they will resent the fact that you wouldn’t push them to learn how to do it themselves.
Learning and learning experiences are a huge part of this life on earth, and while we can be taught skills and facts, true learning comes from inside, doing something and experiencing life.
If helping someone means robbing them of the experience of learning, then that’s not helping.
A fine line
Don’t get away from this article thinking that you shouldn’t help homeless people on the streets because otherwise they won’t learn. Basic needs have to be fulfilled, and when someone can’t fulfill them (whether it’s because of physical or emotional trauma), then it’s important to step up and help.
But helping people survive and helping people grow are different things. Sometimes helping means challenging someone. But it’s not enough to say “why don’t you get a job?” or “I challenge you to make a million dollars” to someone living on the streets (or on unemployment for a long time). If they see no possible way to achieve that, then it’s not helping at all, on the contrary, it will increase the feelings of helplessness.
In order to truly help someone, show them a challenge that’s just outside their comfort zone and help them see that they can actually accomplish it.
Next time you want to help someone, make sure you’re helping the right way, and for the right reasons.
by Sylvain | Oct 14, 2010 | Uncategorized
I’m bearing the world on my shoulders.
Though I’m sure you do too.
Past a certain age, if we’re lucky, nobody’s taking care of our stuff anymore, which means that we are responsible for our own world. The job to perform, the bills to pay, the meals to prepare, the taxes to (reluctantly) take care of, and all the little things that seem to get in the way of success.
At first, it’s harmless, you just have to do that one little more thing. Then that other one. And so on and so forth. Little by little, you start to miss time for the things you have to do, let alone for those you actually want to do. So you go faster, or at least, you try to. And the time flies by even more.
It. Never. Stops.
The train
At the station, you get on the train, find your seat, put your bags down, and finally sit down and wait for the train to depart. You look outside the window at the train next to yours, and suddenly everything starts to move. For an instant, you don’t know which train just started. It lasts only a second, then you get back to reality and know. But for a very brief moment, to you, movement was just that, a movement. One that could get you closer to your goal, or one that’s simply irrelevant.
It’s the same for your own tasks and activities. If you go 300mph, you can never know for sure whether you’re moving to get to your destination, or because you got used to the worry and the need to get things done faster. One sure thing: you don’t appreciate life. I know it because when I’m like that, it’s impossible for me to feel anything good. But it’s not hopeless. The solution is actually pretty easy.
The key to appreciating life.
Slow. Down.
It seem counter-intuitive, after all, you have plenty on your plate, if you slow down, you risk increasing anxiety.
But when you never stop to catch your breath, you never allow stress to go down. You can’t recharge your batteries. Your productivity plummets and you start to hate your whole situation.
Instead, when you walk, walk slowly. When you do something, choose only one activity. Cut your daily to-do list in half. Allow yourself to breathe.
Do one thing at a time, but do what matters.
When we’re trying to get everything done, we lose track of what’s important, and what’s not, everything simply has to “get done”. We don’t put our hearts into it, we don’t put anything, really, especially anything creative.
But when we slow down, everything starts to count. Instead of living in the imaginary destination, you can feel each step, ponder what the next one will feel like, instead of fighting and rushing for the next shortcut. Doing one more slow trip to the kitchen will not make you loose 10 seconds, but gain the same amount. Instead of pestering, picking up the dishing and quickly putting them into the machine, you can enjoy the touch of your fingers on the plates, the temperature difference between the living room and the fridge, and simply use that time to be there and enjoy.
Of course, you’re busy, but really, at the end of the day, will these 10 seconds really make a difference? Time itself is irrelevant, what matters is using it wisely. If you need 15 more minutes, don’t try to gain 5 seconds here and there by rushing and exhausting you. Why not instead shut off your phone and email when you need to be productive. Simply one less interruption will give you the time you need, to be productive, and to appreciate life, as you’re living it.
Then, next time you’ll take a high-speed train, you’ll know exactly why, and you’ll enjoy the scenery.
by Sylvain | Jul 11, 2010 | Clarity, Uncategorized
Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.
Henry Ford
Have you ever heard someone complaining about an activity, a new sport, a contest, or anything that they might fail, and say “What’s the point? I’m not good enough” or any variant of “I can’t do it”?
Yeah, me too.
When that happens, I feel like I’m gonna explode, jump and grab them, then shake their poor body until they stop saying such stupid things.
We are what we think
The brain (and the universe) will do whatever it can to bring you what you expect. If you expect to fail, it will bring you failure, because this is what you wished for. If you expect success, and do whatever is necessary to make it so, it will give its best to accomplish your desire.
If you want to succeed, think like a successful person. Of course, there is never, ever, a guarantee of results, but I assure you that the journey itself is completely different.
Do you honestly believe that the people who complain all the time and never miss an opportunity to tell everyone they’re going to fail actually want to succeed?
They want comfort, and to be allowed to fail
There are basically three reasons people set themselves up for failure:
- They want encouragement, they want to be told that they’re wrong, that they will succeed. Basically they want others to make them feel better about themselves.
- They want to be allowed to fail. When they say they’re gonna fail, they try to remove expectations from other people, because they don’t feel like they can handle them, they don’t want the risk of disappointing their family and friends. They want to make sure it’s alright to fail.
- They want to be comfortable, and right. They want to be able to say “yeah, well, I told you I couldn’t do it”, so they’d rather fail as a rule than own and assume responsibility for their own outcomes.
Change your outlook
In any case, you don’t know for sure whether you’re going to fail or succeed. So saying “I’m gonna succeed” is no less true than “I’m gonna fail”, and it is much more encouraging.
Besides, if someone tells you they’re no good at anything, are going to fail, who are you to question them? When we meet someone and we perceive that “failure vibe”, we trust them to.. fail. After all, they know better than we do. And then starts a vicious circle, if you complain and set for failure, you won’t get the social support and friends that could help you succeed. Whereas if you are determined to succeed, the people around you will do their best to help you.
Yes, “blindly” aiming for success means you risk disappointment.
But not only is the path itself much more pleasant, it’s also much more satisfying in the long term to set for succes even if you fail than set for failure and meet your expectation.
Don’t you agree?
by Sylvain | Jul 2, 2010 | Clarity, Uncategorized
Is everything clear?
Have you ever felt like something wasn’t right, without being able to point out what it is or why it’s giving you this feeling?
It might be your career, your personal life or simply the number of items on that damn new restaurant menu.
Wouldn’t it be nice if everything just made perfect sense? No wondering, no hesitation, just the feeling of knowing…
Would you like some clarity on the side?
Having clarity means knowing what your current situation is, what you’d like it be to, how they differ, but most importantly, how to close the gap and achieve what you want.
If you know where you want to go, and how to get there, congratulations! You can stop reading now. Otherwise, stay with me.
“I had the perfect plan!”
Awesome! Me too! It involved me being rich and famous (basically ruling the world) by 25. Hasn’t happened yet. Nor do I still want it to happen, mind you, but I digress.
If life always went according to plan, it’d be way easier, or at least, more comfortable. Unfortunality for our controling nature, life rarely goes according to (our) plan.
All the unexpected events and unforeseen consequences in your life slowly changed the picture. But worse, most of the time, they don’t actually brag about it, so you might not realize that the circumstances have changed until way later. That creates confusion, not only about the present situation, but also about the future: what’s ahead and what’s possible (or not). If you’re in your forties but still dream about competing in the Olympics, sorry to destroy your dreams: never gonna happen.
Maybe it’s time to move on and shop for some new goals.
Focus on why, not how
Imagine you go to the store to get a dishwasher. After a few minutes wandering around, you find yourself in front of a list of all the characteristics of the machine: speed, capacity, eco-friendliness, price, etc. And while these informations may give you some idea of how that particular piece of machinery will behave, it is easy to get caught up in all the details and forget why you wanted it in the first place: to help you reduce your burden, save time, and enjoy more of the rest.
Whether you’re looking for a dishwasher or a job doesn’t actually matter, if you have enough clarity to know what you want and why you want it, you’ll know how to choose the right match for your goals and the life you want. Besides, you’ll be less prone to influences from third parties, who have their own goals, which quite often conflict with yours.
Doing or buying one thing because that’s what your peers expect is not a good enough reason to act. Knowing why you’re doing something is the only way to be invested in it while going forward.
When you are confused, your mind is reluctant to go forward and take any action. The best first step to get unstuck on your path, is to get more clarity.
“Naah, it’s fine, I’ll just figure it out while going along”
Seriously? Is that your answer or the fear talking?
Do you know where you current path leads?
Do you know where you want to go?
If both destinations are the same, great, you can simply act as usual and continue on your current path. But if the answers are not clear, or are inconsistent, you need to ask why. What on your path is not aligned with who you are and where you want to go? How can you change it?
Having clarity means you:
- know where you are, what are the paths available to you, and what they entail
- understand why you’re doing what you’re doing
- are motivated to act and go forward because you know exactly what you’ll get
- can decide in an instant what to do because everything is clear in your mind
- are less stressed by everything that goes in your way because you can process them easily and effectively
- know what you need to go forward, and are less hesitant to ask for it
I see no reason not to want that (but if you do, please share in the comments!).
Gain more clarity
It is very difficult to get more clarity when overwhelmed with things and thoughts. Past a certain point, you need, at the very least, a wall to bounce things off. Here are a few things to get you started on the road to clarity:
- put your thoughts on paper, see where they go
- draw a mind map of your situation
- ask a trusted friend and exchange with her your thoughts about your condition
- try new things: a cooking class, a new sport
- go for a walk in an unknown place.
Getting a new frame of reference will help you gain more perspective.
A life of uncertainty
If you’ve been tolerating something that’s not right for you for months or years, you’ll probably struggle to even acknowledge that you don’t need nor want that thing in your life. It’s easier to make excuses than to challenge one’s whole life, it’s easier to tolerate and say “it’s not that bad”.
But it is.
Take any given situation in your life and ask yourself–“why?” Is it giving you what you want? If not, then why not? What can you change in your life to get what you want? Does your current environment support you in your goals? If not, why don’t you drop it?
Do you need help? Do you want help? Would you be willing to use it? Or would you rather listen carefully and then do nothing?
If you’re not ready to try anything different, acknowledge your fear, and deal with it before asking again. But if you’re curious enough and want to actually try, go for it!
Connections create clarity
Sometimes you can’t do it on your own. There’s no shame in that, on the contrary, knowing when to ask for help and actually doing it is a sign of wisdom and courage. The smartest guy in town is the one who populates his entourage with people more competent (or specialized) than he is.
Look for help, ask for help. Meet with a friend, a counselor, a priest, a coach, a mentor, read a book, watch a documentary, or a fiction. Whoever and whatever can help you get more acquainted with your situation and go forward.
Clarity is one of the most important tool when you want to be conscious about your choices and your life. It’s also one of the most overlooked. Too bad, because it’s very easy to know when you need it: in case of doubt, seek more clarity.
What do you need more clarity on today?
by Sylvain | May 18, 2010 | Passionate Being, Uncategorized
Passionate Being is dedicated to helping you (and me) be more passionate and happy in everyday life. We are all passionate beings, guided on the surface by pleasure and pain. But it is only when we are really passionate about what we’re doing that we come alive.
Dedication
Being passionate does not happen by chance. It is a state of mind as much as a way of doing. You can choose to be passionate and to live a life always filled with passion. Even if you work at a job you hate, you can still be passionate about your connections with your colleagues, as you can be mindful and present, and give all of your being to the instant.Most of the time, only what we really love brings us to a state of passion, but craving for this rare drug is not the only way. On this blog, we will explore the ways to be more passionate with what we love, but also how to find and deal with all the resistance that is preventing us from fully engaging.
We’ll explore both what is in front of us and what’s hidden in the back of our minds.
Sometimes you might think you can’t be passionate and indulge in what’s important for you because of financial, relationship or work problems. This is often a front to hide fears, mostly the fear of failure that is most prevalent when what you do is actually meaningful for you. It is perfectly understandable, but isn’t it better to try something important and fail do a than meaningless task and succeed?
There is the safe way, and the passionate way.
What happens to HazelMind?
The blog is now here, but the relaxation and concentration helpers and still there. Also, don’t forget to grab the free relaxation sample if you haven’t already. There are new products in the pipeline, but I’ll tell you more when they get closer to release.
Soon…
In the next couple of days I will start a new challenge that will hopefully benefits you as much as it benefits me. If you’d like to put more passion in your life, stay tuned.
I hope you enjoy your stay on Passionate Being, and don’t forget to subscribe.
