I haven’t published a blog post in 11 months.
A bit before that, there was a gap of 16 months between posts.
Over the 6 years of this blog, I’ve published a grand total of 32 posts.
To say that I was inconsistent is an euphemism.
I tried to do well, I tried to follow the experts, I tried one thing and the other, in “business” and in life. But you know what?
I’m a mess.
I’ve spent the better part of last year very focused on my own personal growth, I followed multiple programs. I’ve grown a lot, and given that I value growth, I’m very happy about the internal results.
The external results, not so much.
And that didn’t change the fact that for my birthday, a couple weeks ago, I felt like shit. Now, it’s nothing new, pretty much every year I’m depressed around my birthday.
This year, I felt unappreciated, unloved, unworthy. If I’m not worthy, what is the point of celebrating my birthday, or me? Makes sense, right?
I could have tried to numb the pain (doesn’t work), or simply hide it when it comes, pretend like I’m perfect, or say that I’m not but still hide it when something “wrong” comes up.
I’m very good at seeing what’s not right, with people, systems, business.
Yet, I have no frickin idea what I’m doing.
And that’s okay.
I’ve tried to do.
I’ve tried to figure out what I was meant to do.
I’ve read the books, did the trainings, attended the workshops.
I’ve beaten myself up, and I’ve taken care of myself.
I wanna do a million things, I wanna have an impact, I wanna love and I wanna be loved. I wanna create, I wanna help and I wanna have fun.
And I still don’t know what I want to do… and I’m still a mess.
And that’s still okay.
I realized it’s not about what I do, it’s about who I am, and who I am being.
By truly being me, I can do what matters. I can do what is the essence of me.
I’ve grown a lot along the years, and maybe, just maybe, sharing some of the process, being and showing who I am, might help someone.
Maybe I don’t need to wait and wait and produce the perfect guide or answer or blog post.
Maybe it’s more about showing who I truly am, and let others take whatever might help them or touch them.
Maybe I don’t need to know what I want to do or be sure of what matters most before I take action, or create, or hit publish.
Maybe you don’t either.
Yes, I’m a mess.
Maybe being truly human means being a mess, sometimes, or all the time.
Whoever I am, I am now.
Welcome to my world, I’m really glad you’re here.
Hey Sylvain 🙂
“Maybe it’s more about showing who I truly am, and let others take whatever might help them or touch them.” – this sentence actually sums up the things I wanted to say. Sometimes just sharing your true mess can help people so much. For me at the moment, this post is much more helpful than reading success stories. So I’m glad you decided to publish it, and thanks 🙂
Hey Nina 🙂
Great to hear from you, thanks a lot for commenting, I’m glad it helps 🙂
I love how open and vulnerable you allow yourself to be. That takes a lot of guts and you obviously have them. It’s such a relief to read the truth about someone by that someone. It let’s me relax and be myself too. Thank you for posting this
Thank you, Sylvia!
You are amazing! This is an awesome awesome blog post and it’s sooo refreshing to hear honesty. I feel like you are so you and it’s awe striking!! Wow! And by the way, you are a great writer. 🙂
Thanks a lot, Sofia! I appreciate it 🙂
Bravo!!! I’m so proud of you being the Mess, Courage, Heart, Humor, Love, and everything in between. You have something to say and be and do and it’s YOURS, every cell, neuron, emotion, and feeling. I’m so glad to SEE you. I love your blog post as it resonates so much. Good for you – and good for us to have you be present. Big Hug and congratulations on being on this journey.
Thank you, Denise! Big hug
Sylvain, I love this post!!! So true. We are all freaking messes. I think owning our own personal messiness is what frees us all to just be. And when we do that, the magic happens. Thank you!!!
Thank you, Mandy!
In any case, that frees us up to move forward, grow, but most importantly, to just be.
Sylvain, this is one of the most beautiful and heart felt blog posts I have read. Your honesty, vulnerability and truth are what touches people’s hearts. Thank you for showing us how beautiful being truly human can be! Love you!
Thanks a lot, Colleen.
It’s weird because I never really thought I was hiding, but we’re so used to trying to conform that we end up not showing who we really are, and that’s too bad. Love you, too 🙂
Me, too, I’m glad you’re here, too. Thanks for sharing your world with me.
Thanks Willa! Thanks for commenting and being here :).
Sylvain, it’s kind of funny, we never actually realize how much we are hiding until we look back from a place of less hiding and can actually recognize it. The hiding falls away in layers as both our internal courage increases, and we get external recognition for being seen – in a safe and supportive way.
Keep walking down this path, and little by little the hiding falls away and then one day you will wake up and realize that you are solidly standing in the light of your truth and comfortably shining in the bright light of day.
We both know that it takes time to release those wounds that brought us here, and with the tools that I know we both have, that journey can be much faster than it is for most.
You have already show that you have the courage to walk this path. Just keep taking the next step, and using the tools at your fingertips to help clear away the fog, the fear, and the discomfort of confronting what shows up in front of you on this path of growth.
I may not be “there” yet, but I can tell you that it DOES get easier!
You have already done the hardest part – you started and committed to yourself to walk this path. And that takes true courage!
Congratulations! Well done!
Thanks Brad! 🙂