I haven’t published a blog post in 11 months.
A bit before that, there was a gap of 16 months between posts.
Over the 6 years of this blog, I’ve published a grand total of 32 posts.
To say that I was inconsistent is an euphemism.
I tried to do well, I tried to follow the experts, I tried one thing and the other, in “business” and in life. But you know what?
I’m a mess.
I’ve spent the better part of last year very focused on my own personal growth, I followed multiple programs. I’ve grown a lot, and given that I value growth, I’m very happy about the internal results.
The external results, not so much.
And that didn’t change the fact that for my birthday, a couple weeks ago, I felt like shit. Now, it’s nothing new, pretty much every year I’m depressed around my birthday.
This year, I felt unappreciated, unloved, unworthy. If I’m not worthy, what is the point of celebrating my birthday, or me? Makes sense, right?
I could have tried to numb the pain (doesn’t work), or simply hide it when it comes, pretend like I’m perfect, or say that I’m not but still hide it when something “wrong” comes up.
I’m very good at seeing what’s not right, with people, systems, business.
Yet, I have no frickin idea what I’m doing.
And that’s okay.
I’ve tried to do.
I’ve tried to figure out what I was meant to do.
I’ve read the books, did the trainings, attended the workshops.
I’ve beaten myself up, and I’ve taken care of myself.
I wanna do a million things, I wanna have an impact, I wanna love and I wanna be loved. I wanna create, I wanna help and I wanna have fun.
And I still don’t know what I want to do… and I’m still a mess.
And that’s still okay.
I realized it’s not about what I do, it’s about who I am, and who I am being.
By truly being me, I can do what matters. I can do what is the essence of me.
I’ve grown a lot along the years, and maybe, just maybe, sharing some of the process, being and showing who I am, might help someone.
Maybe I don’t need to wait and wait and produce the perfect guide or answer or blog post.
Maybe it’s more about showing who I truly am, and let others take whatever might help them or touch them.
Maybe I don’t need to know what I want to do or be sure of what matters most before I take action, or create, or hit publish.
Maybe you don’t either.
Yes, I’m a mess.
Maybe being truly human means being a mess, sometimes, or all the time.
Whoever I am, I am now.
Welcome to my world, I’m really glad you’re here.