by Sylvain | Jan 28, 2010 | Shift
photo credit: knickinoptik
It’s always the same. Your body is there, but your heart longs for something else. You want to belong, but whatever you do, a little something’s not right. If people around don’t reject you, you reject yourself to escape the heavy feeling of disconnection.
Have you ever wondered why you were different?
You tend to question what others take for granted. You challenge the status quo, what’s expected of you, by your parents, your teachers, your peers. Maybe you just look different, think different, feel different. You want to connect with people, but deep inside, you don’t want to compromise who you are.
After years of trying, one day you realize you are The Ugly Duckling, in a family, an environment where you don’t belong.
I know I have.
The Ugly Duckling could swim, but in his community of ducks, he was rejected, he was too ugly, too different. Everything is a matter of perspective, but there, he couldn’t be who he was. He fought it at first, denying the ugly truth, trying to fake his way into this mold, trying to fit in so that the others ducks could accept him as one of their own.
Humans act in the same manner. Being rejected is almost always painful, and sometimes it seems they’re no alternative to choose. It happened to you, almost by magic, one day, the misalignment got too strong. Tired and frustrated with all the efforts you put in that public life, you left your duck “family”, and went on the road, looking for those who would accept you and make you belong. You joined clubs, made new friends, shared different interests, something new clicked, you felt better, but you still weren’t a real match for them (or them for you).
Even though you may be closer to those people, you are still different. It is like you share some parts of you with some people, other parts with other people, but wherever you are, you still are an outsider, out alone in the cold.
After months of trying to keep the water from freezing, in the heart of winter, the Ugly Duckling finally got overwhelmed, and ended up stuck in the ice. This is when a generous man saved him from its fate and brought him home. There, the attention given by his savior’s family was overwhelming, and he got scared. Even though he was accepted into this home, he didn’t belong.
It’s okay to be who you are
Near the end of the story, the Ugly Duckling saw the beautiful swans arriving. Though he knew he was “ugly” and could barely dream of hanging out with them, he followed his heart and tried to engage.
And then it happened.
Instead of being rejected and put to death for his ugliness, he was recognized as the most beautiful swan that ever swum in this lake. He was one of them.
Was he the most beautiful because of what he had to endure to survive and find his way? Or was he born that way? His adventures definitely made him special, if only to us. But it is only when he accepted his difference that he could be whole.
It is okay to be who you are, it is okay to be different. Diversity is the gift of mankind.
Only after you’ve accepted to be who you are, will you attract and recognize the right people. The ones who will bring diversity and love to your life. They will be different, and same as you are. It is from love, deep inside, that we connect with the world and acknowledge we are all one.
How to be different and still connect with others
The common bonding mechanism uses a common interest or characteristics, but that doesn’t work well when one can only worry about their differences. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Here is a little technique that you can use to foster your connections with others using your differences:
- Pick two of your friends or idols. For each one, identify one trait that makes them similar to everybody else (like, having wings), and one that makes them special (like being a very little creature)
- Identify the connections they are able to foster using both these traits. Are they good? Enjoyable? Do they help the world as a whole?
- Do the same for you, while making an emphasis on all the connections you can create using your differences.
- Play with your differences and put them to work towards deeper connections.
If you’re not convinced that this is possible, ask a friend to help you repeat this work for every person on earth until you are.
We are all special, we are all the same. There is nobody like you and you are like everybody else. This is why we all have something special and unique to contribute to the world.
Growing tired of being different is the first step of the journey into the wild. After trying out different homes, comes the time of acceptation of who you are. We are all different, and the more special, the more blessed you are, as you can offer more to the world. You just have to expand your wings and take off.
Our differences are our assets in life, how are you using yours?
by Sylvain | Nov 17, 2009 | Shift
How much do you want to avoid war and conflict? Can you spend your entire life in peace, not raising your voice, not crushing anything nor anyone? Do you even want to?
It is only in recent years that most societies started to despise or demonize war. Most major civilizations in history valued war as a noble activity. It was depicted an a way to exercise courage, bravery, loyalty, respect and more.
Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.
Francis Meehan
I’m not advising you should go to war with your neighbor (after all, he’s taking care of your dogs when you’re away), but maybe you should reconsider war as a valuable activity, especially the ones within yourself. Depending on the circumstances, going go war might be the best thing you can do.
I have never advocated war except as a means of peace.
Ulysses S. Grant
Struggle of Wills
According to Carl Von Clausewitz, war is a “struggle of wills”. According to me, it’s a learning experience, an opportunity to be better. Not better than an enemy, but better than oneself (some will argue that oneself is usually one’s worst enemy, but I digress).
An internal war is visible as an internal conflict. Maybe you want something but you can’t have it. Or you struggle with a choice, a job, or a relationship. Basically, you desire a life that’s different from the one that you have.
You have two choices. You can either whine and hope to be rescued, or you can…
Fight to win
Why don’t you want to do what you know you should do? The reason you don’t is that you are in conflict with yourself.
Tom Hopkins
When you have a problem that you want to solve, your mind automatically steps up and go into problem-solving mode in order to find a solution. If it works, great, you won! If it doesn’t, well… a new war begins.
What does all that mean? That your ways may have been good before, but they’re not anymore. The war calls to you and allows you to grow. You work to solve the problem, so you can exercise your muscles, whatever they are. Maybe you need more courage to fight head on with the enemy, maybe you need to learn more about your subject, maybe you need to call up the whole Scooby gang to win the war.
In any case, if it pushes you out of your usual ways, it will most certainly help you grow.
If everything is always right, you never grow. Why do you think monopolies stop innovating? Because they don’t have to! And when corporations are challenged by competition, the whole system benefits. That is the same inside one’s mind.
Fight to lose
Now, you might not want to go to war, it’s scary, and you might die.
A part of you anyway. The old one. The one you don’t need any more. The part that represents who you were, the one you’re desperately holding on to. That’s how you keep yourself from changing. But once you’re on the battlefield, you realize that some things aren’t that important anymore, they don’t serve you, so you transition to a new state of being. You test the limits of your beliefs, actions and habits. And you can become a better you.
Get angry
Use the anger! The anger is what gives you the strength to make changes you’re afraid to make. When you can’t really stand your situation, you do anything necessary to change it. You summon all the energy and resources you have to modify the circumstances.
But you have to channel that energy in a constructive way: destroy only what truly isn’t good for you, like your limiting beliefs, not other people or yourself. Once you’re free of these old limits, let the desire to build take over, decide what your life is gonna look like and start to make it happen.
Every conflict is an opportunity
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
William Ellery Channing
Have you ever noticed that the most caring people were the ones who had the hardest time in life? They had to fight to live, and that experience made them grow. You can be a victim and suffer all your life, or you can be a hero and step up. You can use your potential, or let is go to waste.
Whatever you decide, the fight will come to you eventually, so you’d better accept war as a gift rather than a curse.
What’s your next fight?
by Sylvain | Oct 20, 2009 | Shift
I’ve been travelin’ on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And oh (eyyy)
I’ve been travelin’ on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone
Lyrics from Dead and Gone by T.I.
We’ve all chosen different paths because of situations, opportunities, courage and fear. And we’ve all been traveling a path that’s not ours, because of habits and constraints we decided to conform to. But in every life, at one sacred point, there’s a little voice that shouts:
What the hell are you doing?
It can be because of a workshop, a song, a conversation, a person doing exactly what you want, a layoff, an accident, almost anything that can shake you. All the frustration accumulated over the years brought you to the edge. Then you realize “that’s not what I want, that’s not who am I”. You can’t help yourself thinking about it, and if you’re courageous enough, you also start taking actions.
Time to think
It’s not that important, I can’t do it anyway, it’s too difficult.
But it IS important, and I CAN do it, if I really want to. But I have to make some changes.
Maybe you have to change your job, your relationships or take some classes. Whatever you feel or know has to happen for you, accept that. It is going to be hard, otherwise you’d have done it way earlier, but it is also vital. Be completely clear with that.
Time to act
There are basically two things you have to do:
- Disconnect from what conflicts with your dream
- Start traveling on the road leading to your goals
That means saying no to any optional commitment on your old path. You’re probably used to saying yes to anything that you think might be good for your career, finances or relationship, thinking it will bring you closer to happiness. It won’t.
Saying yes to things you don’t really want or like is a waste of time and energy that could be used to build something much more meaningful and fulfilling. Once you acknowledge that fact, you can start with a small step, maybe don’t go for a drink with your colleagues tonight, and take a walk in a park, or go explore the possibilities that excite you. When you accept your situation, you will come to the conclusion that your old you has to disappear and make space for the “new”, real, you. It is a process that has to happen. Let it take the time it needs, but don’t simply sit on your ass until it does.
The other part of the equation is to actively start researching new commitments, relationships, opportunities that will mechanically move you forward on your new path. The simplest is usually to take a class to learn a new skill, because it will commit you to that path, as well as allowing you to meet new people who will strengthen your connections to that path. But if classes are not your thing, the Internet is full of communities that can give you the knowledge and connections that will push you forward, you just need to stop identifying yourself as your old you, accept who you are right now, and start feeling who the future you, the one home, is.
An example: losing weight
Let’s say you want to loose weight and improve your health.
First, disconnect from your old patterns: lay low on the donuts and snack eating in front of the TV (you know you do it).
Second, go to the gym (or elsewhere where you can exercise and meet people), and start connecting with people there. These connections will pull you in the direction of your goal. The more you hang out with people already doing what you want, the more you’ll be comfortable on that path.
Home
A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
George Moore
What is home? Home is who you are deep inside, once you’ve removed all the habits and constraints. Home is when the person you are on the outside is exactly the same as the person you really are deep inside. Home is when you do what you love. Home is when everything seems natural and easy. You can fight to stay on your old path, or work to build the path back home.
I’m heading back home, where are you heading to?
by Sylvain | Sep 3, 2009 | Passion, Shift, Work
© iStockPhoto - PeskyMonkey
Get a job without a challenge, fill your life with enough habits, never confront what frightens you and devise good excuses for everything you do. It’s pretty easy, lots of people do it.
Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me.
Dylan Thomas
Step out of your boring life
If you got used to a boring life, puting your desires for adventure in a box and trying very hard to keep it closed, you’ve probably already started to want everyone to do the same. You’ve become disconnected from what really mattered to you, doing things because you’re used to, or because the external rewards seem appropriate. You might run after money, fame, sex, without ever getting really satisfied because you abandoned a part of yourself. Where are your dreams?
Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity
If you’re at the point where you don’t know what you like or what you really want, the solution isn’t to not do anything, patiently waiting for the answer to come to you. It won’t. Ever.
You have to try new, different things, as much as you can. It is only through experience that you will reconnect yourself to your dreams and your unconventional, or more accurately, unexpressed, desires of adventure.
You’re not what you do
Change jobs, houses, or hobbies if you want to, do anything that will change your life. You are not your job, your money, or your relationships. Be who you want to be, do what you want to do, share all that you can. Call a friend and propose a 1-day trip to do something you’ve never done. If you’re used to do something, do the opposite. If you’ve always went on vacation in 5-star hotels and with organized trips, go to another country, in a cheap hostel, or try CouchSurfing. Don’t get bored and you won’t be boring.
Do what you are
But if you know what you really like and are not doing it: what are you waiting for? If you want to play an instrument, take a class; if you want to discover a new country, book a plane ticket. If you feel it’s important, you owe it to yourself to do what’s necessary to accomplish it. However uncertain the result might be. What’s important is the journey, not the destination. If you’re still too anxious, find a way to reduce your stress, address your worries, but be clear in your mind that you have to go through.
It is time for a change
A finished person is a boring person.
Anna Quindlen
It is way too easy, too convenient, to keep doing what we’ve been doing, complaining about how it’s not what we wanted. If you feel you can’t make things better, think outside your box, doubt yourself, learn a new skill. Do anything but what you’ve been doing. Excitement is just around the corner. Don’t keep it waiting.
What are you gonna try today to make your life more exciting?
by Sylvain | Aug 19, 2009 | Shift
© iStockPhoto - iofoto
Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it.
Malcolm X
Freedom… This word takes you back to your last vacation, where you are reminded of the absence of constraint, the feeling of able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Very rarely this sweet vision includes a crying toddler, a boss or client screaming for changes to be done this very day, or any other pressing commitment. At first sight, freedom is pretty antagonist to the very concept of responsibility. Maybe it’s because we think about it wrong.
Freedom lies in responsibility
The absence of freedom
Let’s say you’re a freelancer, working at home. Your kid is crying, you have to change a whole design before 5, the house is a mess, your in-laws are arriving tonight and your spouse won’t be back from work until 7 or 8. Meaning you’re stuck. You would like to get unstuck, but what’s really interesting is how you feel and why.
You don’t decide what you do, you do what you have to, the most urgent, given the situation. You don’t feel free because :
- You are tied to constraints rooted in external circumstances
- You believe you have no choice
- You are unable to change the parameters of your situation
- You wish things were different
And that’s the problem. You believe and wish things could be different, but at the same time you act like you don’t have any responsibility. Things are done and happen to you. You are a victim of circumstances, of other people, of life (or God) itself. Victims have neither responsibility nor freedom. It’s easy to be a victim, it doesn’t require an effort, you can just feel down.
On the plus side, having no freedom/responsibility has its advantages :
- You have the sweetness of not having to do anything
- You can complain about the situation and feel ok about not trying to change it (you can’t)
- Your decisions don’t impact much, so hopefully no disaster will happen because of you
- You take refuge in passive activities like TV, games, browsing the Internet, without the craving and responsibility to contribute
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark Twain
If you want freedom, you’ll need to take responsibility.
When you take full responsibility for your life :
- You see the consequences of your actions
- You feel empowered
- You stop complaining about what could be and start making changes and going forward
- You adopt a learning mindset and learn from your mistakes
- You focus on what you can do to improve your life and not on what’s wrong with your life
- You accept what comes to you, deal with it, and use it : you turn problems into opportunities
- You take your power back
- You can be proud of what you do
But how to do that?
First of all, you have to separate things that are out of your control from those upon which you can act. For example, you can’t change the weather, but you can take an umbrella.
Once you’ve done that, you have to consider the potential consequences of each and every action and project you undertake, and assume responsibility for them, whatever happens.
I personally don’t believe in what I call “divided responsibility“, meaning each person involved has a tiny responsibility in a given situation; I believe in shared complete responsibility, closely related to collective responsibility, each actor having full responsibility over a situation in which it could act upon, and assume its consequences. Some among you might think I’ve lost my mind putting such a burden on mine and everyone’s shoulders (that’s ok, I don’t mind), but I think it’s much better to have full responsibility than non-existent one. If you take into consideration the fact that one has a large range of possible actions (from indifference to engagement and self-sacrifice), do you still think you’re not responsible of anything?
Once you’ve clarified what you can do or not, you have the power to change the situation, or at least your perspective on the situation, which actually, for your brain, means changing the situation. You can either feel very bad because your in-laws will see how much a mess your house is, or accept the fact that you prefer to make your client and kid happy and deal with the mess later, and still feel good about your decision.
When you take responsibility for your job, your relationship, everything that goes right and everything that goes wrong in your life, something happens: you realize you have the freedom, and power, to change everything.
What are you taking responsibility for today? What can’t you take responsibility for, yet? Answer in the comments below!
